Haterade, the re-mastered version. HARNESS THE POWER OF THE ULTIMATE HATER DRINK!!!
I listened to my critics and used a lot more energy in this one, plus I talked faster. My throat actually hurt when I was done recording the audio. This is a parody of Powerthirst, Energy Drinks, and HATERS all into one. I'm sure all of you who have dealt with haters and FAN BOYS can relate to this and enjoy it!
We don't need another f*ck Viacom video, what we need is 12 F*CK YOU's of VIACOM. This video is a list of 12 things that piss me off about Viacom. Something The NOSTALGIA CRITIC would really appreciate and relate to (Viacom deletes videos off of Youtube). This is number SIX in The 12 Fuck You Series. You can help support this video by commenting, rating, responding and showing others!
FU #1 The fact that Viacom thinks they own everything. They think they own every fucking piece of production that exists out there! The only thing Viacom owns is that giant head that's been stuck up their ass ever since YouTube was created.
This is a video list of 12 things that piss us off about Newgrounds. Why 12? Because I like to go one step beyond ThatGuyWithTheGlasses and that annoying 11 standard he created! *satire*. Anyway you should probably watch this only if you know what Newgrounds is. This is FIFTH in a series of 12 Fuck You Video Rants.
THANKS Nostalgia Critic and staff for featuring me :)
This was the first attempt at a 5 Second Movie, uploaded way back in June. Finally decided to cross-post my 5 Second Movies here as, of course, this is the site of the very guy who started the whole thing up! ;)
-When the first thing you do when you get up in the morning is check your myspace. -When you post stupid updates of every little thing in the bulletin section. -When you have myspace as your home page! -When You listen to music on Myspace only and never buy albums -When you spend an hour looking at your profile and don't realize it - When you hit refresh over and over to see if you got new comments - when you actually go a myspace party, who the hell does that? -When its 4am and your still up checking your myspace. - When Myspace is on your phone -When your stalking your exs on myspace - You have 10,000 friends and don't know who any of them are -When you spend over an hour filling out a stupid survey -When you dedicate hours "souping" up and making your myspace page look nice -When you use myspace as a place to hook up with strangers. -When you spend your day on the Myspace forums and get no where -When you have 5 profiles made for no reason -When you take hundreds of pictures of yourself, JUST to put them on MySpace.
On May 22nd, 2008, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg's cinematic masterpiece, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, was released. The film was a smash hit. Fans and moviegoers alike agreed that Crystal Skull was flawless in almost every way and even surpassed the original Raiders Of The Lost Ark in terms of quality. People who had fallen in love with Lucas after seeing what many critics agree to be his best film, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, seemed to fall in love with him all over again. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have officially hit the peak of their careers -- nothing can stop them now.
However, there's a small group of fans who were slightly dissatisfied with the tame direction taken in Crystal Skull. A few of us thought that Spielberg and Lucas had taken the 'realism' route a bit too much. The reasoning works like this: If I wanted to see realism, I'd watch Animal Planet. I wanna see crazy action and stunts and beautiful CGI work in an Indiana Jones movie.
So, thus, I present to you my list of things that I would have changed if I had directed Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.
Ok well this video was made a few months back and we made about two episodes and stopped because they were never popular, we are thinking of making an abridged but that's not going to happen for a while but stayed tuned for that. Well this is the first episode where we played checkers and yea...that's it. Funny stuffed happened. Enjoy!
Jesus fucking Christ Almighty, I have to review Pokemon. Well on a forum I frequent I asked for suggestions on what my next blog should be about and a friend of mine who um... likes anime... a lot suggested I review Kanon. However I have no idea what the hell that is (UPDATE! It's got a girl with wings!) and then he suggested Pokemon, so I took said suggestion. If you're reading this Jirachi82 thanks for the suggestion and I'm not really making fun of you, you're awesome, and I love you in the most non-homosexual way possible.
Anyway, I'm not a huge fan of anime. I'll put it bluntly like that. I like the older 80's/90's anime, Miyazaki (Who DOESN'T like Miyazaki?), One Piece, Dragon Ball Z, etc... What I can't stand is "Moe Anime", you know the giant eyes and all that. Well it's not the giant eyes, because plenty of cartoons have giant eyes, it's just the extremity to which their drawn.
Holy shit, that is frightening, I'm so glad we don't really have eyes like that!
See, I like the older anime, the art style is um... less... gigantic?
So now that we've established that I do like anime, let's dig into the epic known as Pokemon.
Pokemon, I used to play Pokemon an awful lot, but then I came to a stunning revelation as I was preparing to train a Dugtrio. You can never "Catch 'em All!", because with each new game one hundred more of the little critters pop up! Now actually catching the Pokemon is something else entirely. It all seems to be based on luck rather than skill. Sure there are items you can use, but as the game progresses catching Pokemon becomes more about luck than anything else. Example: I want to catch a Zapdos, I have one Ultra Ball, that's it. So I save my game and battle the Zapdos. I just keep trying over and over, doing nothing but throwing the ball and eventually I catch it.
Luck. It seems to play a major role in Pokemon games, the puzzles in the dungeons usually require little more than wandering aimlessly through the dungeon pushing rocks around until you manage to get out.
In one of the more recent games there's Pokemon known as "Regis". These bastards are so elusive. In order to catch them you must wander the world until you find a certain dead on spot to dive into. Then you need to read braille to... wait! What the fuck? Braille! I'm not fucking blind (Apologies to blind people everywhere!), and there's no in game guide! You're screwed! The only solution is checking Game Faqs. Once you decode the message there's a whole slew of crap you have to do it's mind boggling!
The worst thing is the Pokemon given away at promotional events. You have to leave your house and go to a convention of people nerdier than I am (Trust me, that's really nerdy) and wait in a two plus hour line to get your Pokemon. Also there's cosplayers here, and cosplay frightens me. There's nothing wrong with unleashing your inner geek, I do it all the time, but this is taking it way too far. I actually went to one of these conventions, it was hell. Absolute hell.
Now onto the Pokemon anime. The main problem with the anime can be summed up with one picture:
Oh boy.
Meet Ash Ketchum, our hero. Well he isn't much of a hero considering he cries when he looses, but hey it's okay for men to have an emotional side, but this kid cries over the stupidest of things! Oh dear! I lost a Pokemon battle! Suck it up, welcome to the real world.
The problem with the show is that it's simply nothing more than a marketing vehicle for video games and trading cards. In this sense every episode is the exact same thing. These two very strange criminals known as Jesse and James show up in every episode to try and steal Pikachu. There have been 565 episodes and about 95% involve this basic plot.
The similarities don't end there, it gets worse, much worse. You see each episode involves Ash and his paper thin friends meeting characters with personalities about as thin as tracing paper. No wrapping paper, wet wrapping paper. Every single episode, every single movie, the writing for this show is terrible!
The battles themselves are mind numbing and horribly boring. As if the story wasn't horrible enough, the battles hold as much excitement as watching nothing but television static. Also if Ash wants to be a Pokemon master, why is it that he's always loosing when he reaches the Pokemon League? That's because Ash sucks and needs to haul his ass home and go to school! Seriously why aren't these kids in school? Where the hell are Kanto (Jack Kirby used the name Kanto far before Pokemon, Kanto is the name of one of Darkseid's henchmen) and Jhoto and Hoenn?
I'll admit it, I like the basic concept of the Pokemon games: training monsters and engaging in often strategic battles. Personally a game where you just customize Pokemon and battle would be so much fun, I don't have the time to train and do all that IV? training. That and the gameplay (excluding the battles) sucks balls. I'll just end this rant on another picture:
Chances are that when you were growing up, you watched Nickelodeon. In fact, it was most likely your favorite TV channel as a kid! Or else. Oh, I'm sure there were programs on other channels that you enjoyed, but one can't deny that Nickelodeon was awesome.
Throughout the 80's and 90's, Nickelodeon produced a lot of television shows that were great for children and fun for the whole family. Tons of classics were made in this time, and if you talk to anyone who was growing up then, you'll find that they have nostalgic memories for a lot shows.
However, there's ONE show that sticks out in my mind -- Doug. It didn't have particularly special writing. The animation was weird. Why does it stand out in my memory? I'll tell you why! It stands out for one reason and one reason alone: the character of Skeeter. Good god.
First off, I'm a guy, but I can still appreciate the fact that little girls have always and will always have a soft spot for their dolls. And there has been no bigger doll than Barbie. She's been around since the 60's and is here to stay, but much like how the incomparably annoying Jonas Brothers are being compared to the legendary Beetles, Barbie also has a modern adversary. A slutty, more current version and the ideal woman, the Bratz.
Barbie made girls dream, and she could be anyone, a movie star, an astronaut, a teacher, even a cop (cellulite and donuts not included) TM. And she had a smile that said, "Hi my name is Barbie! Have a wonderful day!" Observe:
This'll be my first in a series that I'll be updating when I feel like it. I'll be using this to list ways we could improve on things in our world, whether they're already great and just need some fine-tuning, or whether they are absolute horribufuckus. Like my first entry: Joel Schumacher's Batman and Robin.
Bruce Wayne/ Batman First off, let's establish a bit of continuity: inthe last movie, Brucie had slicked-back blond hair and glasses. George Clooney looks nothing like that. Also, they need to make Wayne Manor look like it did in the first two movies. Stop switching it around!
Dick Grayson/ Robin He has no place here. Go back in time and cut him out of Batman Forever. I honestly think that he was only introduced so Batman could have that choose-between-Chaise-or-Robin scene toward the end. But if you must have him, don't make him twenty-something years old.
Oh, how I love watching the Nostalgia Critic. Gawking at how truly atrocious those movies that I loved as a kid were. Indeed the man touches on a significant part of our childhoods, as mom or dad would usually pop a tape into the VCR and go off to do something else, proving that they do indeed have the parenting skills of a dirty condom. By that, I mean none. Well, actually, I do have to give credit to a dirty condom, since it provides shelter to millions of abandoned sperm cells, who would have had to settle for toilet water instead if the old man didn't decide to spend fifty bucks on the hooker he met outside the hotel. So, in retrospect, I'll recall that statement. Our parents had the parenting skills of a brand new condom, still in the package, waiting to be bought from the local pharmacy or perhaps a vending machine found in the restroom of a seedy, off-the-road gas station. Your pick.
But this new blog I am creating today is not about "Cop and a Half", "Dunston Checks In", "The Rugrats Movie" or whatever shit you dug as a kid. This one is about the insignificant stuff you'd obsess on as a kid, only to view similar situations as an adult, then laugh at how much of an imbecile you were back then. Crap that would piss you off just because you weren't "old enough". Things you didn't understand, pretty much because you were in fact not old enough. Or stuff that would take over your life for reasons that made little sense to you, let alone anyone else. The random things that we often forgot about our childhoods, and how we as wiser and more mature beings see them today. To truly understand it, you must think like an eight-year-old and an eighty-year-old all at the same time. Is your brain hurting? Good, because we're starting at a place that always made my brain hurt: The Sharper Image.
This is a story that I most definitely wrote this year, though not very recently within this year. I didn't write this seriously; mostly for fun, and I definitely wasn't wholly acurate to the Cthulhu mythos or Thomas the Tank Engine. If you enjoy or don't enjoy, that's fine by me.
Thomas was very excited to meet Cthulhu. Percy told him that this was a bad idea, as the sight of Cthulhu makes mere mortals go insane. Thomas told Percy that this was foolish nonsense and that he was very stupid and all those sorts of things. Thomas went on his merry way to find the Great Cthulhu, while Percy shouted "Don't say I didn't warn you!"
Thomas, on his way to find Cthulhu, found a cult of Cthulhu worshippers. He heard them chant "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn", and he wondered what that meant. Thomas asked them, and one of the members of the cult stated that it meant "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming." Thomas asked him where R'lyeh was, and the Cthulhu worshipper responded "About five miles from here." "Thank you." said Thomas, and the worshipper responded "Your welcome, but please be careful." Thomas continued on his merry way.
Thomas arrived in R'lyeh at about 5:00 in the afternoon, about an hour from when he had started. Thomas shouted "Cthulhu! Cthulhu! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Cthulhu did come out, and his gaze pierced into Thomas's eyes and brain like a knife pierces into a cake. Thomas felt like he was dying, and yet, he was not. Thomas was shortly devoured by Cthulhu after he had stayed there for a while, and then...
Thomas woke up. Thomas was frightened by his horrible nightmare, and went to Percy and told him all about it. Percy laughed and said that Thomas shouldn't have read so much of the Cthulhu mythos before bed. Thomas stated that this dream felt oddly real, and that Percy was there, and Postman Pat, and the Fat Conductor, and the King of France, and Batman, and...and...
Hancock Director: Peter Berg Starring: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, Charlize Theron, Jae Head and Eddie Marsan
Let me start off by saying that Hancock is not that bad. The critics might have led you to believe it is an epic disaster, but it is definetly not. A disappointment, yes, and the first of the summer for me. But anyone who claims it is anything worse than average might need their brain evaluating. Or perhaps, the foul stench of disappointment is blinding people. You probably know this yourself since America, Germany and the UK flocked to see this on the July 4th weekend, but in case you haven't, I'd suggest making up your own mind.
John Hancock (Will Smith) is a superhero. He's not quite the oridnary superhero, since he's a washed-up loser with a temper and perchant for whiskey. Causing lots of property damage in his wake, Hancock is probably the most hated superhero ever. Ray Embry (Jason Bateman) has seen this, and when Hancock saves his life, he decides to repay the favour by giving Hancock an image makeover and become the hero every one wants him to be. The first step being a stint in the clink.
Hancock is a frustrating movie really. For the first 80 minutes or so of its surprisingly brief 92 minutes of running time, it is a reasonably funny summer comedy that you might expect out of Will Smith and the advertising campaign, albeit with darker edges. The film makes no bones out of making Hancock a massive jerk and many of the funniest moments are when he fires back acid-tongued retorts to his detractors. I found several moments quite funny, including a particularly painful-looking anal intrusion.
Will Smith, as usual, oozes charm and charisma, which is no surprise since he has these two valuable qualities in spades. He deals with the film's comedic and the occasional dramatic moment very well, although there are limits to how far he can do this. If I am being honest, pre-transformation Hancock is far more interesting and entertaining than rehabilated Hancock, but that's not really anything Smith can deal with, since it is the curse of all movies involving a character personality change. Smith continues to impress me as a performer, even when his films don't. Smith is one of those few people I can say I can like even though I'm not a fan of films like Bad Boys II, I, Robot, and Enemy of the State.
Jason Bateman is similarly impressive as Ray. I can't say I've seen Bateman in Arrested Development, nor have I seen him in the howlingly bad (ouch) Teen Wolf Too. In fact, the only things I have seen him in before was in The Kingdom and most notably as Pepper Brooks in Dodgeball, where he was incredibly funny. Here he shows a lot of charm and works well as Smith's foil, adding some much needed deadpan humour above the chaos. It was also refreshing to see a PR man who wasn't represented as being Satan hiding in soft human flesh for change, so I do commend the screenwriters for that.
What I don't commend the screenwriters for is their foreshadowing. If you have a twist, for the love of God, do not hint at the reveal every time you mention the plot strand leading towards it. It could not have been more obvious if it tried. I'm not sure whether this was in the script, Peter Berg's direction or both, but I knew there was a twist coming from a million miles off. Cut to meaningful glance. Heck, the character even enters with a goddamn meaningful glance. The film also has a very poor villian, that was obviously added as an after-thought and it shows.
Where the film messes up is in its massive tonal shift. You sense it when it happens very late in the film. Its like someone took the first 80 pages of a comedy script and then stuck in the ending of an earlier dramatic draft for the climax. Everything about the climax is wrong. This is not the first time a Will Smith event movie has ended poorly, but this is worse than that re-shot ending to I Am Legend. There is a character explaination that is so false, you don't believe it for one second. The climax of the film is very dark and violent, and considering the quite breezy, but gently bitter, earlier section of the movie, it is very garring indeed. I wouldn't be surprised if this ending was yet another re-shoot. The ending even starts making up crap as it goes along, whether it makes sense with preceeding scenes or not. The direction in these final scenes is also much flatter, lacking Berg's usual confidence in films such as The Rundown (known in the UK as Welcome to the Jungle), The Kingdom and most of Hancock. This looks like someone trying to imitate him. Something has gone dreadfully wrong with the ending.
SPOILERS in this next paragraph - skip to the end otherwise.
One could make a case for Hancock being an embodiment of America, as shown by the prominent eagle imagery, like on his suit, his hat and the park bench he wakes on. He/America wants to help, but keeps wrecking things. America/Hancock manages to change their image, but is attracted to danger that weakens them and endangers others. Ultimately, Hancock learns he has to keep his distance. Now, of course, this could be me making things up that aren't there, but I doubt that they would have included that eagle imagery if they didn't want us to notice it. If this is what I think it is, it is yet another sign of a film that has great amabitions that it does not get to complete.
SPOILERS END HERE.
Hancock is a flawed but diverting 90 minutes at the cinema, which is all too frustrating as it could have been so much more than that. I suspect many people's opinions have been tinted by the particularly poor ending, but for the most part, Hancock does deliver some good laughs. But I doubt you'll remember it by the time The Dark Knight and Hellboy II: The Golden Army roll around. I hope the true cut makes its way to DVD like I Am Legend did.
3/5
And, while we're on the subject of Hancock, I might as well mention this. On the dreaded YouTube, I entered a UK contest for the film where if you play a troubled superhero, you get a camcorder. If you've been keeping track with my blog, you may be getting a sense of deja vu about now. I managed to come up with a great idea and with a great cast and crew we came up with a fantastic 5 minute product. Oh, and it you're a fan of the TV series Heroes (which I love), you might want tocheck this out since we had certain appearance by a popular character.
Unfortunately, the contest only allowed a 2 minute version, so unfortunately, I had to cut up my baby. But hey, I might get a camcorder out of it.
So enjoy the weird absurdities of my troubled superhero, shot with a budget of £0, which may or may not be better than a big-budget Hollywood version. Anyway, I better sign off for now. Until next time...
Here is a quick script I pumped out in an hour based on an idea and a need to produuce a short film in order to teach the new members of my film company how to operate everything on set. All materials are copyright me, except where they are not.
Hello there. my name is SupergamerX. I have made my very own 5 second movie of the demented cartoon movie you may view it here. also, while your at it view any other vids that I posted there. I'm sure you will like them
I see these things circulating the internet all the time, these imbecilic lists of asinine questions asking everything about a person in a wonderful bluntness that only one-sided, poorly written text can provide ("hwo many time do yu touch yourself at nite? bee honesr...") So, I have decided I shall not be left out of this ridiculous social meandering. Due to many requests by family and friends, I shall descend from my pillar of rigid self awareness and cynicism in order to mingle with *shudder* normal people. I am creating, in my deepest efforts to fit into this blindly superficial culture, a simple questionnaire centering around the preferences the respondent has of various gaming subjects. This shall hopefully prove that I am capable of misspelling simple words and appearing completely vapid on most topics, you know, normal. This will also me to make generalizations of a person based on their answers and thus view the person in a biased light and tailor my actions towards them based on their responses, you know, actual normalcy. So, prepare for the Video Game Personality Survey, by me. Respond to this post by just listing you answers in the order their corresponding questions appear in, I will write my answers next to the questions.
******
First Game Ever Played: Sonic the Hedgehog 3
First System Ever Owned: Sega Genesis
First Handheld Ever Owned: Game Boy
Favorite System Owned: *tie* Sony Playstation / Sega Dreamcast
Favorite Handheld Owned: Sony PSP
First Game you played in a social environment (where): Mortal Kombat + Goldeneye (N64) at my day care
Favorite Arcade Game: Marvel vs. Capcom 2
Beat 'Em Ups or Fighting Games?: Fighting Games
Favorite Beat 'Em Up: X-Men: Arcade
Favorite Fighting Game (Series): Tekken
Favorite Fighting Game: Tekken 3
Mario or Sonic?: Sonic, and may Mario be killed by his own fanboys and go straight to hell
First Person Shooters or Side Scrolling Shooters?: First Person Shooters
Favorite F.P.S.: Goldeneye (N64)
Favorite Side Scrolling Shooter: 1942
American or Japanese RPGs?: J-RPGs
Favorite American RPG: Mass Effect
Favorite Japanese RPG: Final Fantasy IX
Silent Hill or Resident Evil?: Silent Hill, bitches.
Favorite Horror Game: Silent Hill 3
Most Wanted System: the Ulti-Sphere, the uninvented system (made of a mixture of adamantium and Belgian Chocolate) that plays every single company's games and includes a drink and food dispenser, toilet, and blow up sex doll collection of Lara Croft, Nina Williams, Chun Li, and Duke Nukem (admit your lust for the man, for he is the Chuck Norris of the virtual world...)
Favorite Video Game Character (Male): Guybrush Threepwood
Favorite Video Game Character (Female): Nina Williams
Describe a pleasurable video game memory: Playing Street Fighter 2 on authentic arcade machine in Redlands A&W. The smell of root beer still takes me back....
Most Hated Video Game Character (Male): Mario
Most Hated Video Game Character (Female): Ling Xiaoyu
Most Hated Video Game Console: Nintendo Wii
Most Hated Handheld System: Sega Gamegear
Most Underrated Genre?: Point and Click Adventures
Most Overrated Genre?: Platformers
Most Hated Game of All Time: Super Mario Sunshine
Most Beloved Game of All Time: Final Fantasy Tactics
Most Underrated/Overlooked/Unplayed Game (Series): Grim Fandango
Most Overrated/Overplayed Game (Series): Halo
Most Underrated/Overlooked/Unplayed Game: Indigo Prophecy
Most Overrated/Overplayed Game: Halo 3
Multiplayer or Singleplayer?: Singleplayer
On or Offline?: Offline
Game Character you would most like to meet in real life: a Chocobo
Game Character you would hate to meet in real life: A Face Hugger
Game World you would love to live in: Albion (Fable, Fable 2)
One aspect of games you would want in real life: Saves
One game item you wish was commercially sold: Boomerang Machete
Game you play to blow off stem: Postal 2
Game you play to emote: Indigo Prophecy
Game you play to show off skills to friends: Final Fantasy Tactics (over 900 hours logged baby!)
Game you play to show that "games are art": Silent Hill 2
Game you most want a sequel to: Grim Fandango
(Currently) most anticipated game: Heavy Rain
Best Video Game Song (instrumental): One Winged Angel
Best Video Game Song (lyrics): Still Alive
Best Video Game Score: Silent Hill 4
*yeah, I'm wasting too much time already, so I'll quit Till Next Time, Raistlinhawke
Parody
Let me start off by saying that Hancock is not that bad. The critics might have led you to believe it is an epic disaster, but it is definetly not. A disappointment, yes, and the first of the summer for me. But anyone who claims it is anything worse than average might need their brain evaluating. Or perhaps, the foul stench of disappointment is blinding people. You probably know this yourself since America, Germany and the UK flocked to see this on the July 4th weekend, but in case you haven't, I'd suggest making up your own mind.
